So…I’ve been on this….quest? *insert not so sure face here*. Honestly I don’t know how else to describe it. When I look back at my life as it was…back in the day…I get angry with myself. Who else is guilty of this? This is what a lot of us do from time to time. That is why it is always recommended by friends…life coaches…blah blahs to stop looking back at your past, but look forward to the future…or at least look at where you are now presently…and be grateful. Well, I am grateful…but I continue to have difficulty not looking back because my past…really…like really makes me angry. If I could collect all those years of WASTED time to add to my portfolio, my investments, and growth as an independent illustrator…I would have been in a better place in my life or SOMETHING instead of what I’m doing now…which is sitting around staring at gloomy beige walls and gray doors…answering a ringing phone (that seriously just rang as I typed this sentence)…that 90% of the time has no one on the other end when I answer, listening to whispering and complaining coworkers…long story short…I’m miserable ok. For what reason am I doing this besides getting a paycheck every week to pay for bills and food and shelter for my daughter and myself? My only answer being….to get a paycheck. Do I enjoy this place? Uh no. You can’t even imagine how many times I’ve opened my eyes in the morning and said…”Do I really need this job?“. Yea we have all been there…well at least those who aren’t truly happy with their present occupation. I’m just another added to the list of disappointed employees working in a field of work just to get money.
Who hasn’t wished for a job where they are truly happy with what they are doing and for what purpose? In my case…being an introvert…it’s very difficult just trying to be someone that I am not. Working independently or at least behind the scenes is where I flourish the most. This is where all those years wasted come in to play. ALL THOSE YEARS SPENT WASTING THEM AWAY ON THESE JOBS I HATED…I COULD HAVE BEEN DEVELOPING MYSELF MORE AS A WRITER AND ILLUSTRATOR!!!! AN INDEPENDENTLY WORKING ARTIST AND AUTHOR. Blissful and at peace just being home, working at making blogs posts while my daughter is in school, drawing up a new illustration or writing up a book to illustrate and self-publish. DREAM JOB. Now…I just have regrets and more regrets…but these are all moments of learning and growth. Even though it is best to not look back at your past and want to kick your butt for not taking that job position or not saying no to that big purchase that cost you years of debt in the end, in times like this and various others, it’s good too look back to see where you messed up and try your best to not let it happen again…well at least attempt again with different eyes and approach. *shrugs*
Life is what you make it…and it also is what it is. You learn to guide your way through it all dealing with the good and bad. If it’s to work towards a goal then it’s even more worth the struggle, but keep in mind, what are you willing to sacrifice? Quitting that bummy girlfriend or boyfriend, moving out of a big home to slum it with some nurturing friends..or family, maybe getting a part time job just to help a little along the way. Hey maybe that job is actually helping pay for your success in that dream job. Either way…if you have a dream….stop talking about it and make it a reality. Do you really want to live through your life saying “Well I wanted to” or “I wish I had“…or even, “I could have“? I’m honestly tired of saying those lines. Which is where this blog has come into place. Yall I have decided to start this blog in hopes to reach out to others who can relate to my struggles of self doubt and introvertedness. *is that a word?* I want to uplift you as well as learn to uplift myself, why not learn together. If you are interested please stop on through and read my next post give me your opinion, heck give me advice even.
This just won’t only be about self love and encouragement it will also be other random things in life I’ve dealt with and dealing with. I want this blog to be fun and thought provoking at the same time. What better way to interact…without interacting…than through online methods…takes off the edge of nervousness *introvert awkwardness avoided*
Be blessed yall!!